A Church of One

I’ve made a couple of attempts to plug in into the “Christian” community here in Colorado Springs, but it’s hard to really express why I’m having difficulty finding a good church in a way that most people could understand.

Churchians are so reared in the societal constructs of what constitutes a typical modern church today (complete with its cliques, social elements, and excessive attempts to pander to the youth) that I don’t think most are capable of recognizing the errors within, much like a fish cannot have water explained to it, since to that fish, it is everywhere.

So when I attend church, I attend as an outsider looking in. There’s always something about the atmosphere, or the preaching, or the people themselves that puts me ill at ease, to the extent that I can never comfortably stick around. People might argue that if I’m looking for the perfect church, I’m never going to find it, but I don’t agree at all that this is what I’m doing, and it just goes to show how the church bubble they continue to inhabit has blinded them from truly being able to understand where I’m coming from.

Part of it is because I’m an introvert and hearing impaired, and hence my spiritual walk is borne out of quiet reflection on spiritual things, while craving the intimacy of small, close knit groups, rather than being part of a larger, noisy congregation, especially one prone to generating cliques that further segregates the body of Christ. Everything is oriented towards the extroverted, and it takes a meticulous harnessing of social skills as an introvert to successfully plug into such a community.

Another reason is that I’ve lived an abnormal life that has made it difficult, if not impossible to relate to people. Very few can relate to one such as myself, who holds to a subset of Christian beliefs that is only held by an extreme minority, who has had to struggle with a disability that further hinders my ability to connect with others socially, and where I remain single while the vast majority of people my age are married with children. Unless Jesus is the true primary focus of a church, the yarn that binds people from all different walks of life together, there is virtually nothing left I’d have in common with Churchians that might help me to forge new relationships and achieve meaningful fellowship.

Most churches today are no longer true places of worship but an unapologetically social construct, a sanitized version of the high school caste system. I think most people who grew up with church having been regular a part of their lives are fair-weather Christians of a sort. They have little sense of what it’s like to be alienated from others, cut off from family or friends, or even abandoned by entire churches, where such alienation is compounded further by physical disabilities. I see a lot of them here, those who live the life of an affluent Christian, whose idea of suffering is when a barista gets their Starbucks order wrong. Their Christian beliefs are watered down and superficial at best, putting on appearances just enough so they remain indistinguishable from the rest of the church community and collective. As with the rest of the world, they will accept you, so long as you behave and act exactly as they do, and don’t make any waves.

I could do this myself, and in other areas of my life I do, suppressing so many aspects of my personality and beliefs in order to have better success connecting with others, even if they can never know who I really am, because if they did, I’d never be accepted. But with church it seems to be a bridge too far for me.

Others will say I chose this life, and thus any failure to fellowship and connect with others is wholly self-inflicted, an attitude that further alienates me even more because they simply cannot see what I do, having never walked a day in my shoes.

The only solution I see here has to be another miracle, just as the miracle that led me to Colorado eventually manifested, I have to trust and believe for yet another miracle that helps me find a way to serve and reconnect to the true body of Christ. And maybe in that, to finally find the love that has eluded me my whole life as well.

HOME!

HOME! #Colorado #roadtrip #promisedland

It won’t be long now…

Pike Peak during Fall

“I will lift up mine eyes unto the {Colorado Mountains}, from whence cometh my help.” – Psalms 121:1

Here’s my first post of 2015, just to get it out of the way

Honestly, I really didn’t want to kick things off here airing grievances about what happened to me in 2014, which is what I was tempted to do.  It just feels like a bad way to start a brand new year full of hope and possibilities.

I’ll save that for my next post.

Anyhoo, because work has been sapping all my energy and strength lately, I can’t come up with anything insightful other than to say that 2015 also caps my 2 year blog anniversary for A Geek in the Wilderness.

2 years already, can ya believe it?  Out of all the blogs I’ve started in the past, this is probably my favorite and totes a keeper, even if I do barely write on it.  I’ve had more content gone viral here than with anything else I’ve published in the past, and the technology has finally caught up where I can enjoy seamless integration with Instagram and other social media channels too.  Snap a pic on my iPhone and BOOM, shows up on my blog automagically with some sprinkles and sunshine tossed in.

As this new year in blogging takes off, January seems to have morphed into one long, endless Groundhog Day, while I await decisions at my new job that will finally determine how soon I can leave NY, or if I even leave it at all.  One final piece of the puzzle that needs to fall into place, so of course it also happens to be the piece that decides to disappear off into the Bahamas on an extended vacation on which it may never return.

Of course.  Of course.

I’m being hyperbolic, (I hope), but still, it looks like people are right when they say the hardest part of the wait is when you’re in the final hour.  Then suddenly, it’s like time completely freezes and I’m stuck in a permanent holding pattern.  Ugh.

But if not today, then perhaps tomorrow.  And if not then, then the tomorrow after.  Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow….

2014: A Year in Review

If one word could describe 2014, TRANSITION would be it.

2014 was a year of transition and upheaval, laying the groundwork for what I cautiously believe is going to be the most transformative years of my life: 2015.

A year in which everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING will change.  For a guy who has worked in the same job, lived in the same place, and lived the same life for 15 long years, to finally see the road swerve in a new direction is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

There’s so much that weighs heavily on me.  Will I be able to manage life outside of New York, a stranger in a strange land?  Will I be able to take care of a dog I will soon get, something I’ve never done before?  Will I be able to thrive in the private sector after having worked in government for so many years?  Will a change of scenery give me a chance to meet new people and make new friends, and perhaps finally meet that special someone who has eluded me my whole life?

After 15 years, I finally have a chance now to spread my wings and soar.  At the same time though, I’ve also become weary and older.  That spark of energy and hope I used to have after I graduated college has long since fizzled.  Sometimes I wonder if there really is a life left for me to live, now that so much of it is already behind me.  Like a man freed from prison after so many years inside, in a warped way I’ve come to appreciate the comfort of the “prison” walls that have kept me here, rather than risk entering the life that goes on outside it.

But the wheels have been put in motion, and what God has set in motion no man can stop.  All I can do now is wait and see where the road will soon take me.

Railroad near Berkshires during Winter