Why I would never date single moms

Updated: 6/14/2018 – I’ve mellowed out a lot since I wrote this post and decided to rewrite it a bit in a less harsher tone.

I’m at that point in my life where the dating pool consists of 20-somethings who think a 5 to 10 year difference in age makes me old enough to be their father rather than a potential mate, while the rest have all played the merry-go-round of relationships/marriages which failed for whatever reason, and are now free to date again. Suddenly the guy they rejected back in school because he failed to make the upper tier caste system of social status and coolness has now become a hot item in the single mom’s dating commodity market.

I’ve seen this a lot, and the language these single moms use to describe the guy they end up with is alarming, phrases along the line of “he’s a reasonable choice now; he’s not perfect but he’ll do; I’m not really in love with him, but he’s a decent person,” and so on.

There’s only one reasonable way to respond to sentiment like this:

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Another practical reason I avoid single moms is that I’ve never been married, and I’ve never had kids either. Single moms though have obviously already been through their share of relationships along with all the experiences of being a parent too. If I wanted to get seriously involved with a single mom, I’d have to forgo the dream of having a wife where we spend time together before kids, then slowly grow together as parents from the very beginning. Instead, I’d have to hit the ground running and learn how to be a fatherly image to kids that are not mine, despite having absolutely no experience whatsoever of being a dad. Kids, who more likely than not would resent me and my presence for not being their real dad. It’s not a road I’d want to go down on.

And just to add insult to injury, a lot of single moms don’t want to have more children, so I don’t even get the benefit of fathering kids of my own. So I’m tasked with caring and draining my financial resources for a family that I have no blood ties with, with a wife who would likely have no time for me because she has her kids to think about. My whole life would revolve around the fruit of another man’s loins. Errr, no thanks.

This is not to say that there aren’t great single moms out there. I’m sure there are a few left, including friends who regularly follow my blog. So when I say I don’t want to date single moms, it’s because there are very practical and very crucial reasons for doing so, having more to do with the dangerous times we live in than with any particular single mom. In other words, it’s not personal.

The reality of it is, the courts are stacked in favor of women to the point that if you get involved with a single mom and the relationship doesn’t work out, you can still be on the hook for child support and losing much of your wealth and assets to sponsor kids that aren’t yours. There’s also no escaping the issue that just by being a single mom it’s a major strike against them: they know their “market value” has gone down as a result of it, so they’re forced to relax their standards. That’s why it’s more likely that they’ll see you as someone they’re settling for and not someone who would truly be the love of their life. It’s awful.

More daunting is the fact that as a women’s N count (the number of sexual partners she’s had) goes up, the less likely subsequent relationships will work out. In fact just a count of 2 drastically reduces the odds of a successful marriage.

Dating a single mom is like Russian Roulette then, except instead of one bullet in six chambers, there are FIVE. Do you really want to play those odds? I don’t.

Admittedly, the risks are mitigated to some extent once the kids are grown, and that’s the only time I would reconsider getting involved with a single mom. If all her kids are over 18 and the threat of child support is no longer a factor, there might be a better possibility of things working out. But it’s hard to avoid the reality that if you weren’t her first pick, it’s very likely you wouldn’t have been her second, third, fourth or fifth pick either.

It’s a shame watching single moms who want to date me get offended when I decline. They fail to understand what a risky proposition that is for men today, and that inability to see things from our perspective is another strike against them. A single mom worth her weight in gold would understand the world we live in now, how the legal system is completely stacked against men, making relationships especially with single mothers such a risky prospect that a sizable population of men are opting out altogether on marriage and remaining bachelors. She’ll understand that if she can’t marry or get involved with a man out of true love, then she shouldn’t get involved at all.

9 Comments on “Why I would never date single moms

  1. Very well written! I totally understand where you are coming from. As a single mom with THREE attachments, I previously rejected this train of thought. After a 14 year marriage and being single for one year, I tried dating the ‘single, never married, no kids’ jr. high crush. I incorrectly assumed that it meant no emotional baggage and easily integrating into my ready made family. (Just for the record, this was a currently jobless and living in the parents basement dude, no ATM machine for sure. And yes, I realize the red flags NOW.) What it really meant was no relationship experience, the same amount of emotional baggage and NO idea how to interact with kids. .In the two years following that experience, I have realized several things: 1) Even though I still feel strongly about being a wife and helpmate to some lucky guy someday, my priority right now is my children. 2) Dating for me will be put on hold for the next 7-8 years while I focus on my kids and myself, making us all functioning members of society and hopefully (and prayerfully) teaching them to avoid my pitfalls. 3) There is a great possibility that I will never again be married, and I am coming to terms with that, and being very grateful for my family and friends in the process! All that to say that I commend you in your convictions and encourage you to stick with them…Don’t settle!

    • Thanks Sarea! There’s a saying, “water seeks its own level” that I think applies here. I think if you meet someone in the same boat there’s a better likelihood the relationship will work out, (sort of like a Brady Bunch union.) πŸ˜€

      I consider myself gainfully employed and financially responsible, but even with my experience as a camp counselor, I’d be clueless on learning how to handle kids on a more than part time basis. It’s a role I need to grow into.

      That’s why my own water level is someone in her thirties who has also never married or had kids either. Of course trying to find someone like that nowadays where there’s chemistry and attraction is like trying to find the lost ark. 😐

      • Indiana Jones did it… (unless you were referring to Noah’s Ark). AND you do have that awesome hat! I think your chances are good!

  2. I personally think that you live in a very small minded box!! I too am a mom of 3 attachments!! I love my kids and just because I have kids doesn’t mean I don’t want anymore. To make an assumption like that makes you look like a fool!! Single moms are probably the most rounded down to earth loving caring people you will meet! I seriously take great offense to the fact that I have kids so you think I am incapable of dating someone like YOU. And as far as your mom goes, might be wise to not worry so much about her opinions and worry about if she is going to be doing your laundry for the rest of her life because you have views that are completely out of reality this day and age!!

  3. I enjoyed this very much! I think you are right on target! I was a single mom (ex is deceased) and married a single dad. Our life isn’t perfect, but we sure don’t have to tell each other how to be a parent cause we are in this boat together to build/blend our family. Thankfully both of us want more children, so we make time to work on that. =)
    Personally, you deserve whatever woman you are looking for. Hold on to your ideals, don’t give up, cause I’m sure she exists.
    Best wishes on your journey to find the Mrs.

  4. I agree with every single point. As a single woman, I want nothing to do with a man who has children, either from one woman or especially from multiple. Most of my life has been beautifully free of irritating, petty, and toxic drama. There may be great single dads out there, but I don’t want to deal with all that drama of exes. I’d rather there be two people in my marriage: me and him. No ex-wife, no girlfriend. Anyway, we all date our equals, right? Divorcees with kids date divorcees with kids. Singles date other singles. What you said isn’t groundbreaking, it’s honest, and some people can’t deal with honesty. Everyone has some kind of baggage, but we typically find others with the same or compatible baggage. The real kicker is, since you don’t have kids of your own, you don’t need to date others with kids. If you do have children and are back on the dating scene…well, sorry, but they often have to put up with more baggage. It’s just the truth.

    “So despite being in my thirties, I still have the mentality of a teenager when it comes to love and relationships.”

    If I may be so bold, here’s your problem. No woman wants to date a boy, we want men. Responsible, ambitious, providers, protectors. Suits and ties. Decision makers. It’s not about money so we can buy fancy stuff, it’s about security and evolution. Women are hard-wired to want a mate who can take care and provide for them when they’re pregnant and taking care of the kids. Some my cry gender roles, and they’d be right. Women have babies, that’s nature. And it’s nature that makes us woman want someone who can provide while we’re incapable of going hunting ourselves. It’s rather hard to run down a deer while we have a baby on our back, or toddlers in tow, isn’t it? That’s why we need fathers to do it for us. Evolution has taught us to look for a man who can run down the deer and bring it home. We’re not interested in guys who want to live footloose and fancy free and not take on responsibilities. Especially women in child-bearing years.

  5. Indiana Jones did it… (unless you were referring to Noah’s Ark). AND you do have that awesome hat!
    **************************

    Indeed, the hat does open doors for me. =D

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