Why men should be leery of following women’s advice when it comes to dating

Some time ago I was following an interesting thread on a dating site’s message board about relationships.  One guy chimed in and complained about how women were viewing his dating profile but no one ever sent him any emails. So I checked it out to see what he wrote about himself:

“I rarely attend Church… I’m on SSI disability, so, please don’t expect a rich guy. I live with my parents, but pay rent.”

Um, well, ok, I could think of one or two things he might be doing wrong here.

I don’t know why it’s not readily apparent to some, but your dating profile isn’t exactly the place to be front loading everything that’s wrong with your life.  Life certainly has its ups and downs, but what woman (or anyone for that matter) would want to be around a guy who is a constant Gloomy Gus?

I suggested that he highlight his positive qualities instead of emphasizing the bad.  Maybe he has a good sense of humor.  Maybe he’s smart and intellectual.  Maybe he’s devout and doesn’t attend church because he’s a free thinker (women love renegades).

What struck me though was not his naivete but the advice women in the thread were giving him.  Actually, it wasn’t advice, it was more along the lines of general platitudes and emo-positive sentiments.  “Don’t worry, there’s a special girl out there waiting for you!”  “Just be yourself!”  “Don’t give up!”  That sort of thing.

Maybe one or two women said the same thing I did, which was that he had a poorly written profile that needed to be revamped, but they were drowned out by all the ubiquitous cheerleading.

I have to wonder how sincere some of these responses were.  Did these women really believe all he needed was some encouragement, or did they know deep down just how bad his profile truly was, and were merely humoring him?  Or were they really that ignorant themselves?

I’d like to believe it’s ignorance for the most part, because it’s hard to stomach the idea that so many were intentionally being devious.  And yet it happens often enough that I can’t help but regard any advice women give me about dating with inherent suspicion, unless they’re people I’ve come to know and trust after a great deal of scrutiny and time.

Logically, you would think the best source to find out what women want in men is well… women.  And yet much of what I’ve heard has been so patently and utterly dishonest.  If I were to ask any woman at random what they are looking for in a man, she would likely say, “I want a man who is kind and caring” when the real truth is, “I want a man with muscles.”

So why not be honest?  Because the latter would make her seem shallow, and in order to present herself as enlightened and superior to the oafish neanderthal ways of men, she will of course opt for the answer that paints her in the best light possible.

Men do this to women as well, although I think it’s more of a problem for us because we have a tendency to take everything women tell us at face value, and for whatever reason it seems hard for us to stomach the notion that women might be just as “shallow” as we are when it comes to attraction.  The irony of it is that I don’t regard attraction to say, muscles for example, as being wrong or shallow.  It’s just how it is, and in fact a good incentive to keep me going to the gym.  It’s the dishonesty that grates on me.  Relationships have to be built on trust and honesty, even if that means exposing how “shallow” we can be at times, and if we can’t learn to be honest from the start, I don’t see how that would bode well for the future.

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14 Responses to Why men should be leery of following women’s advice when it comes to dating

  1. an observer December 15, 2013 at 6:17 PM #

    Why believe the gender with no idea of its own functioning?

    https://donalgraeme.wordpress.com/2013/12/15/knowing-when-to-escape/

  2. ava December 15, 2013 at 6:52 PM #

    it makes sense to some extend. like if you want to learn how to sell stuff you don’t ask the person that spends a lot of money, but the one that can actually sell a lot of stuff. same here: if you’re looking for an advice on how to pick up a woman, get it from a man who does it well, not from a woman. but in general this whole concept of authorities is something i just don’t get. stupid is as stupid does :) if something is pure nonsense, then no degrees or titles can change that. and if what you hear is wise and insightful then you should not disregard it just because it’s coming from a preschooler. or a woman ;)

    • Frank Swift December 15, 2013 at 7:00 PM #

      Did you just equate preschoolers with women? Tsk tsk tsk tsk…

  3. sareac December 15, 2013 at 7:24 PM #

    As a previous member of an online dating service, I must say that I am not the norm when it comes to giving advice to others. I was known for giving good honest (and tactful) feedback to men and women alike that asked. I have never, nor will I ever tell someone “There is someone special out there for you.”, because I don’t believe that we are promised happily ever after.

    • Frank Swift December 15, 2013 at 7:34 PM #

      You always played it straight with me too. Which is why I wish cooties on you for being so mean.

    • Mike December 7, 2015 at 10:11 PM #

      Way late to the party on this, but here I go.

      For One Thank you! I’ve thought this from day 1 and that is just exactly what you said. No you are not promised a special someone and no there isn’t someone for everyone. All that There’s someone for everyone and the rest of it, is all Madison Ave.

      I never really believed there was someone for everyone. People talk in such absolutes “When you’re married you’ll see.”
      What do you mean when I’m married? or “When you have Children”

      Excuse me, but none of that is promised or going to come you’re way and really to many people try to force it which is why the divorce rate is sky high and you’re average mirage lasts what 6-8 years?

      I fairly positive person I think, but I’m also a realist and I’ve been single truly single my whole life, now I still have time, but I’ve set kind of a cut off date for my self and that’s kind of around age 35. I mean eventually for everyone there comes a point where you have to say “I probably missed the boat on that one.” Or “That part of my life is now over.”

      A friend of mine who’s divorced said to me he finally said “You know I’m older now, I have baggage and like it or not it doesn’t matter anymore the romance part of my life is now over, been married had kids got divorced had girl friends after the divorce blah blah blah, but now I at the end of the day I’ve been there done that, have the T-Shirt to prove it, but it’s over and I’m not going back.” He goes “Plus my situation my demographic post divorce taken to the cleaners wrecked by my ex-wife and a whole host of other questionable decisions I’m “unestablished” it’s over and done. He tells me “People tell me well you could find a nice older woman you’re age with her own money.” He then says to them “With her own money.”
      “With Her Own Money.”
      “Her Own Money.”
      The people then go “Yeah uh good point.” and drop it real quick ha-ha!

      Eventually and I’m in this with you too, at what point do we all have to say you know what, we’ve passed the point of no return mirage, kids or whatever. The point of no return is probably different for people because different strokes for different folks, but at the end of the day, it’s still the same at what point do you say “Yep we passed the point of no return on getting married, I’ve been on my own to long now, I’ve got to many assets and the way the legal system is set up I’ve got to much to lose.” Plus the older you get the harder it is to find eligible single people with no kids and the like and eventually you have to look out for you’re self and say you know what, I can’t take on that person and all there baggage.

      We also have to be honest with our selves too, here’s the deal and you all know this and it’s women choose and men respond. There I said it. I can like a girl and think were a great match all I want, but that’s all in vain if she doesn’t like me or send me any single that she likes me. That’s partially why asking out women you like is such a waste of time and guys get rejected so much. There’s nothing you can do to get her to like you if she doesn’t and before you ask that girl out ask you’re self this question “Has she done anything to put her self in my path?” If the answer is no then I would say go ahead ask her out do it, but don’t be at all surprised when she says she’s not interested.

      Anymore now a days you have 90% of the women who are not in dating limbo chasing the top 10-20% of men and there’s this huge artificial imbalance in the dating pool and men got the shaft on that one.

      I’ve concluded, that pretty much the way the table has turned now a days in the dating game is it’s all pretty unfair and for a lot of guys my self included it’s “You’ll get nothing and like it.” Alright I think I’ve Debbie Downed enough.

    • Frank Swift December 10, 2015 at 3:37 PM #

      I do believe there are spouses God has in mind for us, but I’ve never considered the free will aspect of things until later on in life. So a woman I was meant to be with may have already made the choice a long time ago to stray from God’s intended path, went and married Joe Biker, and is now 300 pounds, three times divorced, and funding her meth habits with child support payments.

      To which I’d say good riddance.

      I find as I get older the desire for companionship turns numb, and I’m content to be alone or a short term dater, getting the benefits of female relationships without committing to anything more, then dumping them when they want to get more serious. Since I assume all the legal and financial risks in a relationship, she’d really have to be something special to move me to risk the freedoms and assets I enjoy now, but they never are. They always behave neurotically with narcissistic overtones that would assure nothing but disaster would result if you got any more involved with them. It’s amazing how women always blame men for not wanting to commit to serious relationships or marriage, and never, ever take into account how their own actions might contribute to our risk adverse mindset. It’s just common sense not to get involved with women who refuse to accept any personal accountability and harbor a “blame men first” mentality.

  4. loischwarz December 16, 2013 at 12:01 PM #

    even I can tell how stupid and empty folks are by reading their responses. There are a ton of stupid folks in this world.

    email this person and start chatting to her: adodgegirl@aol.com I happen to know this gal. What you need to know is that friendships come to those who cultivate them. don’t give up. This particular person is a gem. Hugs…

  5. Rebecca January 6, 2014 at 6:14 AM #

    You generally have to be attracted to someone to want to find out more about them. Deeper qualities become important once someone catches your interest. I used to dream a simple, hardworking man who’d show me love by being honest and keeping his word. I still do but if someone presented themselves as a landscaper working five months a year, living rent free with his parents and warning me not to be after all his dough, the first thought in my head is probably not going to be “wow, he’s so honest.”

    • Terrie April 20, 2014 at 4:23 AM #

      Rebecca – agree!

  6. Jason February 6, 2016 at 5:40 PM #

    Women want a Christian “ryan gosling’ or ‘jude law’ (or something in that vein) and just about all of them expect no less, and most feel entitled to a man who is indeed perfection. He has to match all the “future letters to her husband” that she has been writing since she was twenty. He has to meet and exceed the expectations of all her ‘christian-romance-novels’ and secular ‘romantic comedies’ as well.

    Let’s not forget to mention he has to be “hot” just like all the men on that ‘bachelor’ TV show (is that still on?)

    When I was still in the world I quit asking the advice of women concerning dating / love / romance when I hit the age of 23 or thereabouts. I realized that I was being “lied” to on many levels.

    But none of that matters now………

    It’s only going to get worse. You’re seeing already single women IN church justifying becoming a “single mother” because they want a baby SO BAD or wanting to adopt from some third-world country……just like all the famous people on TV!

    And the excuses??????

    Jesus loves babies / God wanted me to have a baby / Jesus wants foster children to have a good life / No real man has shown up, so I prayed on it….and God told me to adopt a child from Uganda………

    So yeah….when it comes to “advice” from women……stay and steer clear. Their logic will tell them that sin is okay. Their logic will “justify” their actions, and all the blame in their lives always fall son some “no good man”

    • Frank Swift February 7, 2016 at 4:55 PM #

      Thanks for your thoughts, Jason.

    • Mike February 19, 2016 at 11:21 PM #

      Agreed women do not always have the best system of justice do they?

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