Why I would never date single moms

I’m at that point in my life where the dating pool consists of 20-somethings who think a 5 to 10 year difference in age makes me old enough to be their father rather than a potential mate, while the rest have all played the merry-go-round of relationships/marriages which failed for whatever reason, and are now free to date again.  Suddenly the guy they rejected back in school because he failed to make the upper tier caste system of social status and coolness has now become a hot item in the single mom’s dating commodity market.  I feel so special now.

So let me explain (in Dan Rather terms) why I wouldn’t touch these single moms with a 12 foot pole (the kind of pole I use for things I wouldn’t touch with a 11 foot pole.)  First of all, my mother would kill me.  And I don’t mean that she would merely get upset if I brought home a nice girl with little Timmy and little Tommy from two previous failed marriages.  I mean she would stand over my bed one night, look lovingly at my angelic face while I snored away… and then smother me to death with a pillow.  Just so she can spare me the misery and agony that she knew I was heading for.

So, there’s that reason.

Another reason is that I’ve never been married, and I’ve never had kids either.  Single moms though have obviously already been through their share of relationships along with all the experiences of being a parent too.  If I wanted to get seriously involved with a single mom, I’d have to forgo the dream of having a wife where we spend time together before kids, then slowly grow together as parents from the very beginning.  Instead, I’d have to hit the ground running and learn how to be a fatherly image to kids that are not mine, despite having absolutely no experience whatsoever of being a dad.  Kids, who more likely than not would resent me and my presence for not being their real dad.

And just to add insult to injury, a lot of single moms don’t want to have more children, so I don’t even get the benefit of fathering kids of my own.  So I’m tasked with caring and draining my financial resources for a family that I have no blood ties with, with a wife who would likely have no time for me because she has her kids to think about.  My whole life would revolve around the fruit of another man’s loins.  Errr, no thanks.

This is not to say that there aren’t great single moms out there.  There are plenty, including friends who regularly follow my blog.  So when I say I don’t want to date single moms, I’m not saying they’re not worth the trouble.  I’m saying, we’re NOT COMPATIBLE.

You know who single moms should date though?  SINGLE DADS.   That’s where the life experience of both are on equal footing.  Both have a history of relationships that didn’t work out, and both have experience as parents.  There’s a sense of camaraderie that can help bring them closer together and forge a good relationship, albeit one that will have a lot of obstacles and emotional baggage to overcome.  Which just goes to show, if you’re gonna get married, get it right the first time.  :-P

I have to admit I get offended when a single mom wants to date me and gets all huffy poo when I decline.  They’re basically asking me to give up all those years of being with a girl before kids enter the picture, along with the privilege of learning how to be a father from day one (conception), rather than learning how to be a father when the kid is already 5 years old (and not mine.)  Single moms like that aren’t really interested in finding a husband/companion.  They just want a glorified ATM machine.

The only exception I’d make in dating single moms then is when the kids are already grown and out of the house.  Of course that won’t happen till I’m in my fifties, and by then I’ll probably be such an ornery and insufferable jerkball that nobody will want to be with me anyway.

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9 Responses to Why I would never date single moms

  1. Sarea Clark April 2, 2013 at 4:20 PM #

    Very well written! I totally understand where you are coming from. As a single mom with THREE attachments, I previously rejected this train of thought. After a 14 year marriage and being single for one year, I tried dating the ‘single, never married, no kids’ jr. high crush. I incorrectly assumed that it meant no emotional baggage and easily integrating into my ready made family. (Just for the record, this was a currently jobless and living in the parents basement dude, no ATM machine for sure. And yes, I realize the red flags NOW.) What it really meant was no relationship experience, the same amount of emotional baggage and NO idea how to interact with kids. .In the two years following that experience, I have realized several things: 1) Even though I still feel strongly about being a wife and helpmate to some lucky guy someday, my priority right now is my children. 2) Dating for me will be put on hold for the next 7-8 years while I focus on my kids and myself, making us all functioning members of society and hopefully (and prayerfully) teaching them to avoid my pitfalls. 3) There is a great possibility that I will never again be married, and I am coming to terms with that, and being very grateful for my family and friends in the process! All that to say that I commend you in your convictions and encourage you to stick with them…Don’t settle!

    • Frank Swift April 2, 2013 at 4:31 PM #

      Thanks Sarea! There’s a saying, “water seeks its own level” that I think applies here. I think if you meet someone in the same boat there’s a better likelihood the relationship will work out, (sort of like a Brady Bunch union.) :-D

      I consider myself gainfully employed and financially responsible, but even with my experience as a camp counselor, I’d be clueless on learning how to handle kids on a more than part time basis. It’s a role I need to grow into.

      That’s why my own water level is someone in her thirties who has also never married or had kids either. Of course trying to find someone like that nowadays where there’s chemistry and attraction is like trying to find the lost ark. :-|

    • Sarea Clark April 2, 2013 at 10:03 PM #

      Indiana Jones did it… (unless you were referring to Noah’s Ark). AND you do have that awesome hat! I think your chances are good!

  2. Becky Doss April 2, 2013 at 10:19 PM #

    I personally think that you live in a very small minded box!! I too am a mom of 3 attachments!! I love my kids and just because I have kids doesn’t mean I don’t want anymore. To make an assumption like that makes you look like a fool!! Single moms are probably the most rounded down to earth loving caring people you will meet! I seriously take great offense to the fact that I have kids so you think I am incapable of dating someone like YOU. And as far as your mom goes, might be wise to not worry so much about her opinions and worry about if she is going to be doing your laundry for the rest of her life because you have views that are completely out of reality this day and age!!

  3. Iris Hasty April 2, 2013 at 11:13 PM #

    I enjoyed this very much! I think you are right on target! I was a single mom (ex is deceased) and married a single dad. Our life isn’t perfect, but we sure don’t have to tell each other how to be a parent cause we are in this boat together to build/blend our family. Thankfully both of us want more children, so we make time to work on that. =)
    Personally, you deserve whatever woman you are looking for. Hold on to your ideals, don’t give up, cause I’m sure she exists.
    Best wishes on your journey to find the Mrs.

    • Frank Swift April 2, 2013 at 11:24 PM #

      Thank you Iris! :-)

  4. Courtney April 3, 2013 at 12:30 PM #

    I agree with every single point. As a single woman, I want nothing to do with a man who has children, either from one woman or especially from multiple. Most of my life has been beautifully free of irritating, petty, and toxic drama. There may be great single dads out there, but I don’t want to deal with all that drama of exes. I’d rather there be two people in my marriage: me and him. No ex-wife, no girlfriend. Anyway, we all date our equals, right? Divorcees with kids date divorcees with kids. Singles date other singles. What you said isn’t groundbreaking, it’s honest, and some people can’t deal with honesty. Everyone has some kind of baggage, but we typically find others with the same or compatible baggage. The real kicker is, since you don’t have kids of your own, you don’t need to date others with kids. If you do have children and are back on the dating scene…well, sorry, but they often have to put up with more baggage. It’s just the truth.

    “So despite being in my thirties, I still have the mentality of a teenager when it comes to love and relationships.”

    If I may be so bold, here’s your problem. No woman wants to date a boy, we want men. Responsible, ambitious, providers, protectors. Suits and ties. Decision makers. It’s not about money so we can buy fancy stuff, it’s about security and evolution. Women are hard-wired to want a mate who can take care and provide for them when they’re pregnant and taking care of the kids. Some my cry gender roles, and they’d be right. Women have babies, that’s nature. And it’s nature that makes us woman want someone who can provide while we’re incapable of going hunting ourselves. It’s rather hard to run down a deer while we have a baby on our back, or toddlers in tow, isn’t it? That’s why we need fathers to do it for us. Evolution has taught us to look for a man who can run down the deer and bring it home. We’re not interested in guys who want to live footloose and fancy free and not take on responsibilities. Especially women in child-bearing years.

  5. Frank Swift April 4, 2013 at 8:44 PM #

    Indiana Jones did it… (unless you were referring to Noah’s Ark). AND you do have that awesome hat!
    **************************

    Indeed, the hat does open doors for me. =D

    • Sarea Clark April 5, 2013 at 12:38 PM #

      …as long as you are still the one opening doors for women… ;-)

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