This was not the vortex I was looking for

When I hear the word vortex, the image that springs to mind is the Star Trekian type of vortex.  You know, a spinning funnel that hurtles your ship into a wormhole and sends you into the past/future/alternate universe.  A funsie kind of vortex, to which you can either undo mistakes of the past, see the wonders of the future, or settle into a mirror universe where red means go, green means stop, Elvis is still alive, and I’m an introverted millionaire living in a jewel encrusted cabin in Colorado with a sexy and God fearing Jessica Alba and our 32 kids.  Oh, and where such a thing as iOS 7 never happened.  And the Chicago Cubs won the World Series.

Ok, scratch that last one.  There is no universe in which that would ever happen.

So what kind of vortex does real life give me?  Well, this one:

Polar Vortex Map

I could really use some of that global warming right about now.

I realize there’s a certain sense of irony where I groan like an old woman about the snow we’re getting in downstate New York while dreaming of living under the special snowflakes of Colorado, but I think I know why.  Because of the humid climate here, the snow never… goes… away.  It doesn’t evaporate, it doesn’t melt, it stays, and stays, and stays, until we pour 5 million tons of salt and sand all over the roads just to rid us of some of it so the entire suburbanplex that is Long Island doesn’t grind to an apocalyptic halt.

In Colorado, the arid climate ensures that whatever snow does hit the ground doesn’t overstay its welcome, even when facing subzero temps.  And while the mountainous terrain has a tendency to draw extremes out of the weather, it’s balanced out by 300+ days of sunny weather out of the year.

Of course, having yet to be trapped in a serious storm during my frequent visits there, my perception of the weather is probably still a little rose colored.  Still, it’s telling how deep my antipathy for New York must be when I rail like an unhinged madman against the snow here, while in contrast I prance around in it like a jubilant 5 year old when I’m in Colorado.

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9 Responses to This was not the vortex I was looking for

  1. an observer January 23, 2014 at 4:43 AM #

    Dang global warming…

  2. chickvoice January 24, 2014 at 11:59 AM #

    Well you knew I’d have to pipe in on this one. We Natives of Colorado don’t really like this to get out, because there’s already enough people here…………but since it’s just between you and me…..Cold here and cold there are quite different I’m told. We got snow overnight Wednesday night, About 3 inches in the Denver metro area, but by lunch time yesterday, the sun was out and most of it was gone off the streets. We only really get big snowstorms maybe once a season. Bit of a pain for a few days but that’s it. (And that is often in March, our snowiest month). When most people think of Denver, they don’t really understand that it can be a blinding blizzard up in the mountains, and sunny down here. Happens all winter long. Works out great for the skiers. The snow is where it’s needed, and it’s pretty to look at from here, but we escape most of it here in town. As a real Native, I love the snow, because it’s only part of the year, and even if it’s below freezing, the sun on your face keeps your warm. And, oh, by the way, it’s supposed to be 60 tomorrow.

    GO BRONCOS!!!!!

    • Frank Swift January 24, 2014 at 12:14 PM #

      If I could move I wouldn’t live near Denver though. Too many potheads, and I’m sure it’ll get even worse and more insufferable as time goes on. I’m so glad it was Colorado that decided to throw open the doors to hemp mania and completely ruin the state. Second look at Wyoming, maybe?

  3. an observer January 24, 2014 at 4:30 PM #

    Wasn’t Wyoming the state that Aaron clarey derided as inordinately dense?

    • Frank Swift January 24, 2014 at 6:18 PM #

      I had to google that up, but I haven’t seen him mention anything about Wyoming except in regards to a hike he did there.

      Wyoming is interesting; 60% of the state at least is flat as a pancake with only a smattering of towns here and there. Cheyenne has a tighter demographic but leans too far away from the Rockies. Then there’s the Big Horn Mountains and finally Yellowstone. If I had to live in Wyoming I’d pick the area near Jackson and the Tetons with its close proximity to Yellowstone and wealthy towns offering modern convenience.

  4. an observer January 26, 2014 at 3:17 AM #

    Flicked through Enjoy the Decline again to check. Yes, he did a few hikea there, he also mentions somewhere that he was doing them on his own, as the locals werent interested in going with him.

    He also mentions the fatness of the women at a dance hall. Uggh.

    Maybe email him directly if youre serious re moving and ask about the towns you mentioned.

    • Frank Swift January 26, 2014 at 1:27 PM #

      It probably depends on the area, I visited Cody which is located east of Yellowstone and there were very attractive women I either saw around town or working in restaurants. I think close proximity to Yellowstone is key due to the immense tourist draw.

  5. Maeve January 27, 2014 at 1:16 PM #

    We are expecting some global warming here in Chucktown this week. The daughters are very excited. Me, not so much.

    • Frank Swift January 27, 2014 at 1:22 PM #

      We’re dealing with a balmy 40 degrees, of course that will be the end of it tonight when we get the next wave of deep freeze and single digit temps.

      I’m actually getting used to it, even in 40 degree weather I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable even wearing shorts. Enjoying the relief of warmth when I’m home is so much more satisfying than air conditioning to get away from the heat during the summer.

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