I think SyFy docked my IQ by at least 30 points (Review of Sharknado)

What was that?

Just… what… I… I can’t even put it into words…

Stupid Internet. I kept reading tweets and then articles from all my usual geek feeds like Mashable that this movie somehow, defying all sound logic, had become all the rage and was literally breaking ratings records. But see, I’m thinking yeah…, this is a SyFy Original, and we all know how those turn out, so I’ll just pass on it, thank you very much.

But finally, just out of sheer boredom and morbid curiosity I decided to watch it for the weekend. I mean come on, how bad could it be, really, especially with all the hoopla it was generating on Twitter, amirite?  I’ve seen SyFy movies before and while they’re awful, it usually made for a good way to kill time when nothing else was on.

Dude.

DUDE.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.

It’s not even the sharks flying through space and literally gulping people whole that was so hard to… swallow. I just couldn’t get over the fact that in every single scene that shows the characters riding in a car, there was never one second where you weren’t cognizant of the fact that the car NEVER MOVES. So of course, the actors had to bob and weave to make it seem like they were in motion and it’s just… I mean it’s just so painfully obvious they weren’t moving AT ALL, that my brain simply refused to accept the reality a movie this bad could be produced and started protesting by trying to go into a self-induced coma.

About to get gulped whole in Sharknado

Instead of stepping 6 inches to my right to avoid certain death, I’m just gonna leap right into this guy’s stomach and totally own this mother. LIKE A BOSS.

And let’s not even try to delve into the physics of successfully using a chainsaw to slice a 2.5 ton Great White shark barreling at you at 100 miles an hour from the air, IN HALF, just as easily as a knife through butter.

Or the physics of using propane canisters the size of my arm to successfully dissipate an F5 tornado.

Oh, and the plot devices. Where the hero “Fin” is a divorcee evidently because his ex-wife (and the daughter) couldn’t stand how disgustingly vile and depraved he was by doing appalling, (and I mean APPALLING) things such as rescuing a group of kids trapped in a school bus.

Like OMG Fin, there you go again giving a rip about other people and small kids about to get eaten by sharks!!! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

You know… on second thought, maybe that part wasn’t so disbelievable.

But still, good grief, I need to stop taking topics that trend on Twitter seriously.  For my sanity.  Just because teh intertoobz sez iz coolz, DOES NOT MEAN IT IS.

P.S. Yeah I know I’ve been pretty late to the shark-mania party, but I always seem to get into these things weeks and months after the hype has already died down and people moved on. Do other people play catch up like this where you’re only starting to take interest in what USED to be a hot topic or fad oh… 6 to 12 months ago? Or am I the only one?

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11 Responses to I think SyFy docked my IQ by at least 30 points (Review of Sharknado)

  1. Cautiously Pessimistic August 27, 2013 at 1:22 PM #

    I haven’t seen Sharknado, but I don’t feel I’m in a position to criticize. I loved Snakes on a Plane, after all. Best movie called “Snakes on a Plane” EVAR!!!1!

    • Maeve August 27, 2013 at 1:41 PM #

      YOU HAVEN’T SEEN SHARKNADO? Say it isn’t so!

      I guess you (nor Frank either) have seen that masterpiece that was Ghost Shark? And what about “Malibu Shark Attack” or “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” or “Sharktopus” or even “Two-headed Shark Attack”?

      The only fitting response to this is…. MATT DAMON!

      Pay no mind to Frank’s little Ranty McRant moment here – I’m beginning to think he just can’t recognize quality when he sees it. (Snakes are OK tho…)

  2. Frank Swift August 27, 2013 at 1:49 PM #

    Yeah… I think these movies slightly misses the target when it comes to quality.

    Missed High Five

  3. Frank Swift August 27, 2013 at 4:15 PM #

    Wait, what is this adding a Samuel Jackson movie into the mix here? Samuel Jackson does not make bad movies. There is no such thing as a bad Samuel Jackson movie.

    • Maeve August 27, 2013 at 4:39 PM #

      I bet MATT DAMON thinks there are…..

  4. Cautiously Pessimistic August 27, 2013 at 4:41 PM #

    Samuel Jackson was in the Star Wars prequels. Just sayin’.

    • Frank Swift August 27, 2013 at 4:41 PM #

      … … … ok THREE bad movies, but that’s it.

    • Maeve August 27, 2013 at 4:44 PM #

      Do you know, I don’t believe I have ever seen those. Maybe I need Star Wars Fest at my house this weekend.

    • Frank Swift August 27, 2013 at 4:46 PM #

      I heard rumors the Feds replaced waterboarding with forcing people to watch the Star Wars prequels as a more effective interrogation technique. Sooooo, might wanna consider that before breaking out the popcorn.

    • Maeve August 27, 2013 at 4:59 PM #

      Thank you Mr. KillBlanket

    • Frank Swift August 27, 2013 at 4:59 PM #

      MATT DAMON!

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