Marriage: The bell you can’t unring

I stumbled across a series of videos called Divorce Corps that highlights some of the abuses of the divorce/family court system in America.  Here’s one of them:

One of the reasons I’m so nitpicky about dating and marriage is that if things go wrong, I leave myself wide open for litigation that could literally drain my finances till they ship me off to the nursing home (or the looney bin, whichever comes first).  I simply have no defense for it (unless I was possibly rolling in tons of money and had a private jet that could take me to a country with a no-extradition treaty).  It also underscores the dangers of dating single moms, where men not only expose themselves to the risks of lifetime alimony, but also to paying decades of child support for children that are not theirs.

I’m still amazed at how I continue to be accused of being selfish for my reluctance to put my head on the chopping block at the behest of women who enjoy the benefits of a legal system that favor them at least 7 times out of 10.  I don’t believe I’m being selfish here, but I do believe I have a very healthy sense of self-preservation.

The reality of modern marriage has forced a cultural expansion of men who have become noncommittal, not because they’re ALL unwilling to be faithful and settle down, but because the risks have now absurdly outweighed the benefits.  One has to use razor-sharp intuition and top-notch vetting to avoid those women who at first might seem sweet as sugar and harmless as doves, only to morph into demonic hellspawn that will rain down nuclear fire on men for the most trivial or nonsensical of reasons.  (Our marriage just isn’t exciting anymore!)

As I contemplate the merits of marriage I wonder if I’ll ever be able to completely trust whoever I’m with.  Is it really possible to experience true love in a world where a loaded gun is perpetually pointed at my head?

That reality has helped me understand why we’re seeing an ever growing demographic of bachelors and players/pickup artists.  Short-term flings are not merely a quick way to experience sexual gratification and an artificial sense of romantic love without actual commitment, it’s also the safest way.  They simply have too much to lose otherwise.  Actions do indeed have consequences, and the actions of a feminist crazed society has wrought a lopsided divorce system that has all but ensured men who value commitment will become an endangered and perhaps even extinct species.

It’s tragic that most women will do nothing to change this, and even fail to connect the dots.  Compounding things even more is their notoriously fickle nature, by making their emotions the sole and authoritative arbiter of all that is right or wrong.  They FEEL, therefore it IS.  If they FEEL love, then it IS love, but if they FEEL unhappy, then that is also so.  Those who live this way will only stay in a marriage for as long as they FEEL happiness and love.  If they no longer do, they will not hesitate burn it down and salt the remains, then move on to their next emotional high.  Marriage for them is not a commitment for life, but an emotion.  How could we ever truly trust people who behave this way?

Too many women (and men to a lesser degree) let their emotions dictate their actions, yet the mark of wisdom is to recognize this pitfall and learn how our actions can dictate our emotions instead.  This is why it makes me so uneasy to see women who no longer “feel” a certain way about a man just… give up.  They don’t focus on the actionable nature of love and trust in its power to restore the feelings they so crave.   In short, they lack both patience and faith.

As a Christian, I have to accept that the true measure of love (and the romance that springs from it) will only be found to be genuine when it endures a fiery testing.  Romance is wonderful and something I crave beyond measure, but it masks the harsh realities of how much work it takes to build a successful relationship, work that takes both time and sacrifice, something very few people are willing to give.

And perhaps not without good reason.  We all have our fallen traits, our besetting sins, but who can know what’s in a person’s heart?  I may improperly judge a woman to be wicked, wayward, backslidden, not realizing that God is working in her a heart to please Him and that she would be one of the rare few who would take her marriage vows seriously and work to overcome all obstacles.  And yet I won’t persevere in pursuing her because I can only go by what I see.  We do indeed judge according to the appearance, but unless we are given a revelation about what is truly in a person’s heart, it’s often all we have to go on.  It is why we constantly choose our spouses poorly all while rejecting those whose hearts have been refined as gold tried in the fire.  The world will discard this as utter nonsense, but those who profess the name of Christ have access to the throne of grace, where we serve a Creator who is able to give wisdom abundantly to all who ask of Him and is certainly able to reveal to us the nature of a person’s heart (if we’re willing to listen).

Could I ever personally find my happy ending then?  All I know for sure is that I simply could not survive in this world without the hope and trust that God will direct me accordingly.  If I don’t have Him, I have nothing: no faith, no hope left that I’ll ever meet a girl who is meant for me, and I would succumb to the life of a perpetual and secular short term dater who will never make that leap to secure the woman of his dreams.  For in his world, there are no happy endings.

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25 Responses to Marriage: The bell you can’t unring

  1. Will S. January 12, 2014 at 11:42 AM #

    The only women who would accuse you of selfishness for your cautiousness and well-placed self-preservation instincts are those who themselves are selfish, and only see men as a means to an end, to satisfy their wants.

    IOW, they’re projecting.

    Ignore such bitches.

    • Frank January 12, 2014 at 5:06 PM #

      Thanks, man.

    • Will S. January 12, 2014 at 5:12 PM #

      Hey, you’re welcome. Cheers.

  2. a January 14, 2014 at 1:41 AM #

    This “Divorce Corp” thing is a documentary that is in select theaters for a few days only. I plan to watch it! Look it up on fandango!

    • Frank Swift January 14, 2014 at 1:01 PM #

      Nice that they’re playing it in theaters. I hope it gets some traction.

  3. Lisa Halloway January 17, 2014 at 9:21 PM #

    I’m a woman and I know I may get bashed for this but I don’t care. This is true, I agree 100%. The legal system IS favorable toward women and I believe the playing field should be leveled. Depending on the circumstances as such, I believe men, good men, should have the upper hand against bad women. I’ve never been divorced or had to endure such a stage show but my brother has. His ex wife divorced him for another man and took their 3 kids, He’s paying child support, as well as alimony and his family is gone. I think its ludicrous for a woman to be granted so much especially when she’s the one who broke the vows. Aside from my brother’s suffering my twin nephews and little niece are going to be affected the most. The legal system is in shambles on all levels and something needs to be done to change it. It puts a man in the position of your damned if you, damned if you don’t and that in turn falls on us women in the long run. We cant find a man to marry (single mom or not ;), it just may be for this specific reason. The law is extremely harsh on men and I don’t think us women should be favored because we are women. The court system shouldn’t be labeled as a warehouse job.

    • infowarrior1 January 20, 2014 at 3:31 AM #

      Step one: Get rid of all victim groups.

      Step two: Equality under the law only, Rank and the privileges and responsibilities thereof shall be considered.

      Step three:Egalitarianism should be repudiated as the enemy of hierarchy and civilization.

      Step four: Destroy the foundation of liberalism that is based on the premise of the inherent goodness of man.

    • infowarrior1 January 20, 2014 at 3:38 AM #

      How dare you betray the sisterhood!
      /sarcasm

  4. DarthW January 18, 2014 at 5:48 AM #

    The last three women I dated financially would have been better off marrying me…and financially better off divorcing me….than they were – and likely currently still are. I make way more, own my own house (two of the three did not), have a 401K (two of them did not have a 401K). Meanwhile, I’d have been financially “worse off” likely taking on their debt, all were single moms – one with a very deadbeat dad scenario.

    The first two relationships ended for other reasons, but in the last finances were more of a consideration. I began to realize that it was a financial “win-win” for my girlfriend if we ever got married – and she was more than interested – and would also be about as great a deal for her if we ever divorced as she would likely walk away with my house, part of my 401K, probably the debt she would bring into the marriage paid off, and who knows if the state wouldn’t order me to pay child support for the kids her ex wasn’t paying for. I, of course, would end up far worse off. Finances weren’t main reason the relationship ended, but this time they were in the back of my head.

    To be fair, the three women I had dated all married young, and divorced pretty young. They weren’t taking their ex-husbands “to the cleaners” that I know. However, in their youth and naivete they didn’t have husbands that had the financial resources that can come in the responsibility of midlife to grab for $3,000 a month in alimony like in DivorceCorp.

    Firstly, as stated in one of Frank’s other blogs, I wouldn’t bother with another single mom for many reasons, financial reasons would be a bigger reason now than they were year ago. Also, were I to ever marry I’d have to consider her financial footing to be near equal with mine, thinking if she has more financially on the wire, she may look at me less as a “meal ticket” in marriage, or divorce.

    I echo Frank’s thoughts that having a relationship – like I was blessed to see between my parents – that is full of joys, struggles, and deep trust is something I yearn for at some level. Still I fear marriage in today’s divorce-a-licious world, and have a difficult time envisioning trusting any woman enough to risk marriage. In my case, I’ll like find my next relationship with someone who is similarly untrusting of marriage, and simply date without all the mixing of finances.

    • Lisa Halloway January 18, 2014 at 11:06 AM #

      I understand and I’m with you, on a female’s perspective. I have my own and I feel the same way toward men who are not on the same financial level as me. I’m not balling out of control or making it rain, LOL, but I can provide for myself. Where I’m from good men worth anything are scarce, which is why I moved to a suburban area. People call it shallow but I call it not settling for less or putting myself on the “chopping block” as Frank mentioned. Yes, I’m a single mom ;) (my son’s dad passed 4 years ago). I busted my *** to get through school, hold down my finances and provide for my son. Alone. I’d be {darned} if I’d throw that all away for a sorry no good *** man. Where I’m from its the other way around. Men don’t do a {darn} thing but stand on corners all day while the ones who have good women do it all and I’m not the one. I have a child to provide for, I don’t want a grown *** man to take care of too.

      I don’t own my own house yet, but I have a mortgage,When I pay it off in 9 years it’ll be mine, LOL! Same scenario with my car, only thing is that’ll be done this year. I’m a R.N by the way. I have awesome benefits as well as life insurance and I’ve done fairly well for myself. I don’t apply to this, then again in certain points I do cause I’m a single mom, LOL!

    • infowarrior1 January 20, 2014 at 3:36 AM #

      “Where I’m from its the other way around. Men don’t do a {darn} thing but stand on corners all day while the ones who have good women do it all and I’m not the one. I have a child to provide for, I don’t want a grown *** man to take care of too.”

      Cool. If the words you say are true. It sets you apart from other “Empoweerred women” who have a chip on their shoulder and “are like so awesome.”

    • Jenna1343 February 21, 2014 at 7:27 PM #

      What ever happened to the romantic endeavor of a prenuptial? I’d never risk my financial security or my property on marriage, too much can go wrong and I stopped believing in “forever” a long time ago.

    • Frank Swift February 21, 2014 at 8:27 PM #

      That’s pretty funny, as a woman you wouldn’t be risking anything. All the risks are assumed by the men. Not even prenuptials offer protection for men since their validity rests on the whims of a judge, who may decide (whether the law supports it or not) to render it void depending on his or her mood.

    • DarthW February 27, 2014 at 11:31 PM #

      LOL. Thanks Jenna1343. I love “What ever happened to the romantic endeavor of a prenuptial?”…the wording strikes me as fun. :) Very reasonable to be sure, but I love the wording.

      I certainly think both males and females need to be very, very wary of marriage these days. Still, men with resources (jobs, assets, money) seem to bear the brunt of the financial crap when divorce occurs.

  5. darthw January 19, 2014 at 10:19 PM #

    Lisa, you are right to be wise in your choice of guys as well. I know there are many responsible women “out there”, and there are also plenty of men out there looking for someone to take care of them. Life will be much easier being single than being with someone who simply takes what you’ve earned…in marriage or divorce.

  6. FullyAwake January 22, 2014 at 7:02 PM #

    “As Ye Sow, So Shall Ye Reap”

    Feminists have screwed themselves. They’ve jumped the shark. They all feel the wrong in their deeds and can see the harm they’ve wrought upon society. What have they done to counter their misdeeds and the brewing storm on their horizon? They’re doubling down on the feminist/equality BS. Women have always been the protected class. Men used to fight for and provide for women and children. Why? If you need to ask, you’re lost. Now? More and more, and rightfully so, men want nothing to do with women. The women of today are way, way overrated. Today, women bring much more harm to the world than good. Men are all to aware of this shift.

  7. DarthW February 27, 2014 at 11:35 PM #

    Divorcecorp never made a showing in my town. I see it’s out on Blu-ray for purchase. I will likely pick it up.

    I’ve been reading “Men on Strike”. I highly recommend it for both men and women to read. There are parts I don’t understand why men would go on strike regarding education and a getting a good job necessarily, but I can certainly understand the parts about marriage and long-term commitment.

    • Jenna1343 March 1, 2014 at 3:43 AM #

      “I certainly think both males and females need to be very, very wary of marriage these days. Still, men with resources (jobs, assets, money) seem to bear the brunt of the financial crap when divorce occurs.”

      I agree and the courts need to change a lot of things in regards to how men are treated in our country and that won’t happen unless women realize that true feminism isn’t the rise of one gender over the other, but actual equality. It’s hard to fight for equality if you’re using your kids as a paycheck. My ex and I split our kids half/half time-wise and I saw no reason for any child support to be paid, the courts felt different and gave us a quote of what a judge thought should be paid. So we took that quote, changed it to what we both thought was fair and with that child support, half goes into a savings account for each child and the other half is spent on clothes that are used at his residence and medical for both kids.

      If I did have the kids throughout the week and my ex only had them on the weekend, we thought that the quote that the judge gave us would have been fair…and I do mean WE. As far as alimony goes, I was the one looked at for paying that to him, since I supported him throughout his college and he was fair to me in denying that he should be paid that since he now makes more than I do. As far as mountains of debt…we knew the divorce was coming for more than a year, but we talked it out and made a pact that he’d finish school (his educational advancement would only serve to benefit our children in the long run, both as a role model and financially), I’d support him and we’d pay off our bills. We divorced debt free, with the exception of one loan of his that I took over and he’s paying off his financial aid.

      Marriage and divorce is what we make of it…and divorce is such a traumatic event for all involved…it would be nice if people would just remember the golden rule in this case. It saddens me that so many people have turned into….for lack of better words, misogynists and misandrists.

      And Frank…Prenupts are legally binding agreements. While there are loopholes in such agreements, it usually pertains to cheating and if one party is caught, then yes, financially, the offended party can benefit. While you seem to place very little value on what women risk and don’t risk in a marriage, most people I know get married with these agreements in place and usually, it’s at the request of the woman. Generally, an agreement will be upheld even if it operates to the benefit of the wealthier spouse, provided it is not so one-sided as to be unfair to the poorer spouse. Even if an agreement is not substantively fair, it may still be upheld if it is procedurally fair. In assessing procedural fairness, a court will consider whether there was full disclosure of the amount, character, & value of each parties’ property, & whether the agreement was entered into fully & voluntarily, on independent legal advice & with full knowledge by both spouses of their rights. When analyzing these issues, a court will consider whether the disadvantaged party had a reasonable amount of time to reflect on the proposed terms of the agreement. Therefore, a party who wants a prenuptial agreement should bring up the subject with his or her partner as soon as possible; waiting too long to discuss it raises the possibility that the agreement will fail the procedural fairness test, because of the undue pressure placed on the disadvantaged spouse to fore go both independent legal advice and any meaningful negotiations, in order to avoid postponing the wedding. I’ve watched quite a few divorces and I’ve never seen a prenuptial agreement go towards the wayside on the whims of a judge. I’m sorry your experience has been so different than mine and those of the people in my state.

      Women of worth recognize their worth…and I’m not talking about just financially, although that’s also a part of it. I hope someday, you’ll find someone you consider to be of value to spend your life with.

    • Frank Swift March 1, 2014 at 9:53 AM #

      It’s very rare to see a divorce as amiable as yours appeared to be. I can only think of one example of where two people divorced, remarried, but remained good friends, to the extent that their two new families even took vacations together.

      The reason I don’t put much faith in prenuptials is because they are only legally binding if a judge decides they are legally binding, by using one of the legal definitions that void a prenup, such as declaring it “unconscionable,” a term that is purposely subjective and often abused. There have been too many cases where the validity of a prenupt is literally up to the whims of a judge and how he personally defines “unconscionable.” Prenups do not protect you from having to pay child support either. It might protect your current assets (as long as you declared every single one you have in-depth) but it still doesn’t provide much protection from the financial liabilities of divorce.

      I’ve been reading the story of one woman who purposely waited till she married ten years to immediately divorce her husband in California, despite professing to be a Christian and a conservative. Once the ten year mark is passed, a marriage is defined as a lengthy one by California law, which means the spouse is allowed to maintain her standard of living after the split. It’s appalling how devious and diabolical some women are. She clearly did her research and bided her time so she could legally inflict as much legal damage on her husband as possible.

      I do hope I wind up meeting someone who isn’t like that, but how can one be sure she would never have the mind to commit the kind of evil that could ruin one’s life. So many know how to lie well and put on an act that it’s hard to tell.

    • DarthW March 5, 2014 at 10:45 PM #

      I’m thankful to have a couple female friends whom I don’t believe would totally wreck an ex husband financially, barring he wasn’t a piece of crap either. One was married to a perpetually unemployed alcoholic for a decade, and she was pretty classy in not seeking revenge in their divorce. So, I believe there are a few good women out there to be sure, but very few. It sounds like you and your ex were as decent as one can be in such a situation.

      My opinion also includes worthless guys too. There are plenty of deadbeats on both sides these days. Still guys more often get the fleecing of time with their kids, alimony, and child support.

      Divorce is far too common. Cheating spouses is a regular occurrence on both sides. I’ve dated far too many women who act entitled to my money and work very early over the last few years, and the younger they are the more they act entitled.

  8. DarthW March 5, 2014 at 10:33 PM #

    Here’s another example of why not to trust pre-nups, although in this case a woman in the UK got a taste of often what men in the US get:

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/10669170/Wealthy-women-shouldnt-marry-says-daughter-of-millionaire.html

    Sounds like the guy was the “golddigger” this time, so it can certainly happen to either side. I would say usually men get the screwing in divorce here, but either way it doesn’t look like marriage looks to be a good risk for anyone with assets.

  9. DarthW June 14, 2014 at 12:11 AM #

    Got my copy of DivorceCorp today. Can’t wait to watch it!

    • Frank Swift June 14, 2014 at 2:52 PM #

      Let me know what you think of it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Linkage for a snowy mid-January Sunday afternoon | Patriactionary - January 19, 2014

    […] A Geek in the Wilderness: Marriage: The bell you can’t unring […]

  2. Submission is seen in obedience. | Dark Brightness - January 20, 2014

    […] One of the reasons I’m so nitpicky about dating and marriage is that if things go wrong, I leave myself wide open for litigation that could literally drain my finances till they ship me off to the nursing home (or the looney bin, whichever comes first). I simply have no defense for it (unless I was possibly rolling in tons of money and had a private jet that could take me to a country with a no-extradition treaty). It also underscores the dangers of dating single moms, where men not only expose themselves to the risks of lifetime alimony, but also to paying decades of child support for children that are not theirs. […]

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