I hate Long Island Drivers (and Long Island)

So this morning I start my journey to Mordor, and no I’m not exaggerating when I say lately my commute is getting to be more and more like a Lord of the Rings quest.  It started with construction blocking three lanes of traffic on a major parkway, forcing me to get off and on the ramps in an attempt to bypass the gridlock, which I manage with some success.  Then maneuvering in and out of traffic because people here like to drive 30 miles an hour in the left lane while refusing to budge when somebody flashes their light as a signal that they want to pass.  Which by the way is why nobody here flashes their lights, since most of us throw our heads back in laughter and completely ignore it when we see some blissfully ignorant fool do it.  (For my part at least I always move to the side if I see somebody behind me looking like they just engaged a nitro boost.)

Anyhoo, I’m trying to get off the last parkway, and I’m stuck behind Grandma in the right lane who’s cruising at an easy 20 miles an hour, meanwhile the guy to my right in the exit lane is matching her speed, sees that I’m trying to get in… and refuses to let me pass.  Talk about a tight spot.

Austin Powers in a Tight Spot

So in order to avoid missing my exit, I SLAM on the brakes so I can get behind Mister Lincoln Navigator Who’s Too Awesome To Let People Through, then hit the gas again… only that’s when my car completely stalled, the display indicators suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree, and my life starts to flash before my eyes.  I can’t accelerate beyond 30 miles an hour now, so here I am limping onto a busy intersection with the car stuttering and thinking “Oh fud me rice balls, I hope I’m not going to have to get my car serviced, that’s the LAST thing I need right now.”  I managed to coast into a parking lot, shut the engine off and went inside a market to take a breather and grab some stuff for work, hoping when I came back the engine would be ok when I started it up again.  Thankfully it was.  Then, when I’m ready to back out, FOUR other cars decide to back out at the same time, meanwhile two more people driving fat as yo mamma’s SUVs plop their over-sized mass of metal right there, making it nearly impossible for any of us to move.  Do they shift in reverse to give us more space?  Of course not.

By that time I had lost any modicum of decorum and leaned on the horn for the rest of the way to work.  I had enough.

All this, because some tight wadded schmucky mcschmuckbag wouldn’t let me through.  You know, I think it’s time to get my ride fitted with battering rams and patriot missiles.  Either that or just start learning how to drive a tank.

Tank bulldozing on highway

Oh, and for those in the know, you’ll likely recognize the name of Long Island being the sewage waste of fecal material shaped like a fish and located just east of Manhattan (and the rest of what passes for the REAL New York).  One of these days I’m going to give a proper ranting of epic snark for why I utterly detest this filthy abominable land mass of vileness and perdition, but I need to be in the right creative mood.  It really does require invoking every word in the dictionary to truly convey my deep seated rage and hatred for this despicable island and its mentally insane occupants, but alas I must save this lengthy diatribe for another day.

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7 Responses to I hate Long Island Drivers (and Long Island)

  1. Maeve September 17, 2013 at 8:22 PM #

    I guess that this “proper ranting of epic snark for why I utterly detest this filthy abominable land mass of vileness and perdition” will have to wait until you get back?

    BTW – I hail from lower Fairfield County CT – some of the same types live there too.

    • Frank Swift September 18, 2013 at 1:03 AM #

      I think that’s because they’re all former Long Island residents. Honestly, I don’t know what it is about this place that puts it into a whole new category of crazy. I even see the notable shift in behavior when I’m commuting into the city (Manhattan), even though it’s a mere 20 miles away.

    • Ellen Rubenstein January 24, 2016 at 2:37 PM #

      Yes I moved to Massapequa from Valley stream NY 11580 and I never met such shallow and yes bipolar robots who think their {poop} don’t stink. My friends were from Brooklyn and queens who moved to Massapequa and experienced the same welcome as me. I am in Fort Lauderdale now. Thank God

  2. Caral March 3, 2014 at 3:21 PM #

    I feel wonderful now that I’ve read your L.I. driving post. Why? Because I’m not crazy. I mean, I am crazy to have moved here but not crazy to notice that 99% of Long Islanders are cruel, pedestrian creatures who are in love with their backassward way of life to the detriment of all other people, as well as to the earth in general.

    • Frank Swift March 3, 2014 at 3:34 PM #

      LOL, you’re welcome. I’m planning to write a more extensive post on Long Island, but I want to make sure I’m in the proper mood for it, in order to capture how much i truly loathe this place. I’ll let you know when it’s posted.

  3. Alan wasserman November 7, 2015 at 9:34 PM #

    I am 58 years of age and have been living in Nassau county since 1961 , because of the intolerant attitudes that you describe long Island has totally destroyed my entire life , I have been living totally alone here for much of that time with no social life , I am a progressive thinker in a sea of Archie Bunkers , the Auto traffic and dangerous killer drivers is unbearable the cost of living is far to high and the long freezing cold snowy winters can drain the life out of you in a place like this . I must get out in order to save myself I am totally isolated my financial resources are very limited but this place will eventually destroy me I have to try.

    • True Blue November 17, 2015 at 9:09 AM #

      Hey Alan…Know exactly how you feel. Hang in there. Read Franks post on “Why I Hate Long Island With All my Heart and soul” you will see you are not the only on that feels that way. It should give you a little peace of mind that even the transplants that ended up here to the natives like you born and raised have encountered some disturbing people that bully others. Some have actually suggested that their is a possible inbreeding program that just fell through completely.

      They realized since no one here was of royal blood it wasn’t monitored and since in the dog world it is accepted but also controlled they didn’t figure out that humans are different than animals, unless….Humm… I wonder? :-0

      Hang in there, many great ones left but there are still a lot of us left here for some reason or another.

      Pro Deo et Patria

      True Blue

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