How Halloween explains in a way why I’m still single

Her:  So Frank, what are you going to dress up as on Halloween?

Me:  Myself.  I’m scary enough as it is.

Joke aside, because of my Christian beliefs I actually don’t celebrate Halloween.  I believe people with the same views represents, oh, .00000000000000001% of the population if I had to guess, with the exception of those zany members of the Watchtower Society.

So how does that explain why I’m single?  I think because it exemplifies just how fringe I am.  I don’t begrudge Christians in particular who still celebrate Halloween, and still get along just fine with most people with opposing viewpoints even when there’s a fake butcher knife sticking out of their heads while they beg, BEG me for candy (and this is just the adults).

But it’s one thing to forbear with a disparity in beliefs and perspectives when you’re dealing with acquaintances and friends, and maybe even family members.  It’s quite another though when that disparity exists between you and someone you share your bed with.  This is a bigger problem for me than it is for others because I’m a nonconformist with a perspective on life that very few people can relate to.  For those who are the byproduct of a monolithic culture in which they and everyone else around them all believe the same things, behave the same way, and root for the same teams, they have little issues meeting and marrying those who are just like them.  A Mormon in Utah for example will have no trouble meeting and pairing off with a Mormon girl.  For all our talk about individuality, the truth is the vast majority of us are all like sheep, ready to conform to whatever subculture we happen to be immersed in.  By being part of the herd, you reduce the risk of being isolated and alone, as well as the complications of trying to find a significant other you can relate to and call your better half.  Everyone in the same herd gets along pretty well, as long as everyone believes and behaves exactly the same.

Because God help you if you start to form a dissenting opinion the rest of the herd may not agree with…

So if I were to meet a girl, even one who is sugar and spice and everything nice, but who failed to understand me and why I believe the things I do (and vice versa), I’d suspect things just wouldn’t work out between the two of us and break it off before it started to get serious.  Really, who wants to be with someone who is incapable of being able to see who you truly are as a person and where you’re coming from?  That’s how we connect and form bonds after all.

I asked some of the people close to me who are married and about the nature of their relationships with their spouses, and the nature is such that they know each other so well they’re able to complete each other’s thoughts.  They may fight and argue and whatnot, but ultimately they are both on the same wavelength.  They’re in sync, which is why even when there’s friction in the relationship, it doesn’t threaten the bond they have with each other.

As opposed to me, who seems to be out of sync with the entire universe.  If God could make mistakes, I’m sure my existence would be the best proof of it.

And yes, part of this ability to form such a bond happens with time I’m sure, but much of it I believe has to do with having a pre-existing kernel of insight into the other person’s mind, something I believe can come supernaturally or simply as a result of having similar walks in life.  Even if you don’t know someone very well, you just GET who they are, and hence you’re drawn to them.  Such is the plight of human nature where we are naturally drawn to the familiar rather than the unfamiliar.  Science describes this as assortative mating, and by and large it’s probably an accurate process of how most of us meet our significant others.

But I am a glitch in the Matrix, an anomaly, a… special snowflake if you will.  There is none like unto me, and hence I may indeed be doomed (or blessed depending on how you look at it) to a life of solitude.

Is it possible that I’m being too trivial though?  So what if the perspectives and beliefs between myself and that of a potential spouse didn’t perfectly align.  Did that HAVE to spell automatic doom for the relationship?  Aren’t there other factors to consider?  Wouldn’t true love conquer all?  More importantly, even if we were initially on different wavelengths, isn’t it possible that they could eventually converge together somewhere down the road?  Well, anything’s possible, but how likely would that be?  I can’t imagine the odds for success walking hand in hand with someone who finds your thought process completely alien to their own would be very favorable.  People don’t really change, so if they fail to understand you now, it would require a leap of faith to believe that could change later on.  Maybe, depending on the right circumstances that leap would be warranted.  But it hasn’t happened to me yet.

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35 Responses to How Halloween explains in a way why I’m still single

  1. Sarea October 30, 2013 at 7:47 PM #

    As I make changes in my life that I have wanted to do for awhile now, it becomes more and more apparent to me that I will be hard pressed to find someone that thinks like I do, has the same goals and desires, or even similar ones. Single seems the most likely future for me. . . However, I do not feel sorry for myself in any way as I am more at peace than I have ever been!

    • Frank Swift October 30, 2013 at 7:52 PM #

      That’s because you’re not changing who you are just to fit someone else’s mold. (unless we’re talking about God, in which case TOTALLY different ballgame)

      This is why I don’t want a girl to change for my sake (or pretend to) but where we were already birds of a feather to begin with. Two peas in a pod. Two ballasts on the same ship. Complementing each other, as an iPad complements an iPhone…

  2. loischwarz October 30, 2013 at 8:20 PM #

    My husband and I are two completely different individuals. He doesn’t think at all like me, not at all ! so are these the topics of arguments, yep, you betcha! lots and lots of them. I don’t care to argue in my old age, so I give him ‘the look’ and just go about my business until I can be quiet no longer and he has pissed me off to no end! Then I give it to him with all barrels blasting ! The last words are I WANT a divorce ! I cant take your stupidity any longer!
    So why don’t I divorce the jerk? I am a very logical as well as spiritual and religious person as many are, so I think about this and make my list of pro’s and con’s.
    1. too much of a hassle to divorce; 2. too costly to divorce; 3. two can live cheaper than one; 4. Already been through 2 divorces and all you men are exactly the same but in various inclinations on the draft scale, but still totaling the title “JERK”. 5. I am too tired and I don’t sweat the small stuff any more (and its all small stuff).
    So we continue to be ‘married’ and he continues to not approve of the things I do and he verbally tells me so at practically all times, though I do think he may be getting tired of it (finally) as I continue to ask him “How old am I?” or “You are not my father nor my mother” or “This is who you married so get over it”.
    Like Crosby and his stories of his mom and dad in their old age, I think ‘there is nothing new under the sun”
    My advice to you is to stop being so darn picky and one day, just do it…. just shut up and do it…. then you will finally ‘see’ the big picture… lol.

    • Frank Swift October 30, 2013 at 8:24 PM #

      I think you just convinced me to be a Himalayan monk. I’ll be the most geeked up monk on the mountain playing on his iPad even though I took a vow of silence.

    • Empathic Kuagua October 30, 2013 at 8:39 PM #

      Oh dear when I read your typical sounding topic “How Halloween explains in a way why I’m still single” …I knew you would spend paragraphs upon paragraphs trying to justify your status and try and convince us devoted and pitying followers that you are content, lol….but I knew from the moment I set eyes on this topic what I would say to you if you had said that to me face to face. I would have simply replied, “Ok Frank, if it makes you feel better to come to that conclusion about it”…at which I reckon you would read into my response and overthink it in your mum’s basement with your astonishingly disposable time in this time of busy existence,lol…PS: Sorry again for not reading the whole blog, but you know how me and you are, I kinda get you without reading the rest of the rant ;-) … I have a special plan to read all your blogs when I retire,and not to busy with my World Peace campaign or Psychosocial Research and obviously Evangelism… beats looking to other stuff out there to preoccupy myself…

    • Frank Swift October 30, 2013 at 8:45 PM #

      It hurt my eyes to read that.

      BTW, it seems I have two choices: be unhappily single or be even more unhappily married (and less wealthy). What’s behind door number three?

  3. Safreena October 30, 2013 at 10:21 PM #

    O_o

    Door number three is happiness ~ when you find that comfort with yourself and the one who you may find to travel with and enjoy life, living, and a future.

  4. a October 30, 2013 at 11:03 PM #

    Well, you could torture yourself with all these deep thoughts and worries about your future, or you could just say, “it is what it is.”

    Too many of us try to live in the world as it should be, rather than just accept the world (and others) as it is (or as they are).

    This sounds like a recipe for much of our unhappiness.

    The world is messed up. It is sick. Trying to find logic in the irrational could yield a few insights, but mostly it is just a waste of time and energy.

    Expecting others to live in the world as we believe it (and they) should be is just an exercise in banging our heads against a wall! Why?!

    We can’t control the world or others, so attempting to define specific formulas of how an irrational and chaotic world should behave is pointless.

    Sometimes the simplest, most obvious answer is the best one.

    People will do whatever they do because they are imperfect people in a broken world.

    Maybe we will find more answers to life by questioning ourselves than trying to figure out the rest of the world.

    Maybe the best way to be happy is to love God to the best of your ability, and spend most of your time DOING things that make life better. Thinking alone won’t change much.

    If the majority of your time and energy is spent improving the majority of your life, and DOING what you know to be right, then the only thing left to sweat is the small stuff.

    Happiness doesn’t have to be a binary value.
    Maybe being mostly happy is good enough.

    We can only control ourselves.

    But, I gather you knew all of that already.

    • Frank Swift October 31, 2013 at 12:27 AM #

      I’m doing things as well, but oftentimes I like to sit back and reflect on why things are the way they are. Comes from being an introvert.

  5. an observer October 31, 2013 at 7:32 AM #

    Frank,

    Do you advertise or something? Did one of the feminist sites post your address with a ‘hate here’ arrow?

    Too many christians seem to be indistinguishable from the secular world around them. They divorce, celebrate halloween and saturnalia, and vote for the best sounding fascists who promise them free stuff.

    We didnt get any door knockers this year, which i am thankful for. Some people actually get offended to learn we dont do pagan festivals. ‘Its just a bit of fun for the kids,’ they say.

    Yeah right, just a bit of harmless fun, indeed.

    • Frank Swift October 31, 2013 at 12:30 PM #

      I’m sure my name and blog link has been scribbled on many a bathroom wall at NOW headquarters by now.

      And I agree, we make too many excuses and not enough effort to distinguish ourselves and follow a different path than what the world travels on.

  6. an observer October 31, 2013 at 3:31 PM #

    The contemporary dating scene seems manically hypergamic. Most of the comments either slap you (as if its your fault), or spout versions of the same platitudes i heard for years on end.

    Fwiw, i would ignore most insight offered by women as next to useless.

    I would hazard its not you; its this cultural sickness that has attacked women in particular, and led to most having completely unmanageable expectations.

    I hear you about the sync thing, that does develop. The problem is most women are not prepared to work on developing it. If they dont tingle, they walk. Meaning any kind of connection never has a chance.

    I hate what the enemy has done to this place. Hang in there.

    • Frank Swift October 31, 2013 at 7:12 PM #

      Thanks observer, though I imagine things could be a lot worse, such as living in China. Or New York! Oh wait…

  7. Ashli November 1, 2013 at 12:58 AM #

    All of this thread just bummed me out.

    I think you start with a like-minded person that you enjoy and are attracted to; that builds as you experience life’s inevitable hardships together. Then, you grow to accept each other and appreciate one another for your similarities and differences. I think that’s true, deep love. I think it can happen but it takes luck, compromise, devotion, and respect for one another; you have to be solid with each other on fundamental ideas and perspectives, but I think there’s a point where people can be so picky, no relationship with anyone can ever meet their expectations.

    I wonder if you just really like solitude and like the idea of being with someone, but really you’d rather be alone. There’s definitely nothing wrong with that; not everyone wants a relationship or kids or to live on the grid or to *fill in the blank.* You said you were a non-conformist; maybe this is one way in which you don’t conform.

    Why do I always feel compelled to reply to your posts when I’m exhausted after a long day of work? So incoherent. Apologies.

    • Frank Swift November 1, 2013 at 1:11 AM #

      Then, you grow to accept each other and appreciate one another for your similarities and differences.

      That’s the thing though, I think my differences are just too profound to be accepted. Ideally it would be better if she and I were already so much alike that any differences we did have wouldn’t automatically doom the relationship.

      Why do I always feel compelled to reply to your posts when I’m exhausted after a long day of work?

      My animal magnetism has that effect on people.

  8. Will S. November 1, 2013 at 12:34 PM #

    I’m also a Christian who eschews Halloween, AND a man who doesn’t want to try to re-mould a woman into something she isn’t, but desires a fair bit of agreement in the first place with any potential life-mate, just so we’re on the same page with each other (including on matters like Halloween).

    I hate the dumb advice family and friends give to overlook ‘minor things’, because what if none of them are minor, and all are important?

    Hence, I’m 40 and still a bachelor.

    • Frank Swift November 1, 2013 at 12:41 PM #

      Will, that’s pretty much what I’m driving at. But because we prescribe to a belief system that’s so at odds with the rest of the world, the typical advice people give us just isn’t going to fit. Our options are either to wait for someone who gets us, renounce our beliefs so we have more in common with a wider pool of potential mates. or simply repress it and deal with the loneliness that comes with sharing a bed with someone who will never understand you.

    • Will S. November 1, 2013 at 12:48 PM #

      Exactly my POV, too, Frank. :)

  9. Elspeth November 5, 2013 at 12:41 PM #

    Our options are either to wait for someone who gets us, renounce our beliefs so we have more in common with a wider pool of potential mates. or simply repress it and deal with the loneliness that comes with sharing a bed with someone who will never understand you.

    On all the big stuff, my husband and I are pretty much perfectly aligned. But our temperaments are different. Our interests are largely divergent, and to top it off, one of us is introverted, the other extroverted. The truth is that we have always made up in chemistry what we lacked in compatibility.

    Despite that, I am not lonely with him, at all. We butt heads, and sometimes we don’t understand one another, but we’re never bored, and we are happy.

    I would never suggest you pair off with someone whose values and views are so different from you that it would be a problem. But the older you get, the more set in your ways you become, and the harder it’s going to be to find someone you’re willing to work and compromise with, I think.

    The fact that we are generally laid back people helps a lot with being able to let stuff go without any drama or arguments.

    • Frank Swift November 6, 2013 at 2:45 PM #

      Chemistry is a mysterious thing, I’m sure despite differences of certain things people can still truly understand each other. I just look for common traits because that increases the likelihood that someone might understand me and where I’m coming from, but it’s not the be all and end all. My life walk does complicate things though because the nature of it is so unusual.

  10. Hannah November 10, 2013 at 7:57 AM #

    Hey Frank, was visiting to see how your coffee went and stumbled on this gem (more than a little late which is unsurprising given that’s one of my worst obvious faults!)
    We don’t do any of the Pagan festivals either, and this year actually shut all our curtains and put up a sign saying to move along because we don’t observe Halloween :) (we didn’t want our children seeing what would have knocked on the door otherwise!)

    @Frank:
    “So if I were to meet a girl, even one who is sugar and spice and everything nice, but who failed to understand me and why I believe the things I do (and vice versa), I’d suspect things just wouldn’t work out between the two of us and break it off before it started to get serious. Really, who wants to be with someone who is incapable of being able to see who you truly are as a person and where you’re coming from? ”

    To me, you’re in the fortunate position of being a MAN!!!! So you’re the one with the ‘unusual’ convictions? Great, you’re also the leader of your home, so you dictate it’s direction. Wife follows. Of course most women are not bred to follow this biblical pattern, but it’s the life you need to be living anyway. A girl steps into YOUR world, not the other way around. She can learn all she needs to along the way. All she really needs in the beginning, is a complete willingness to follow you.
    Don’t narrow your scopes even further to imagine it’s imperative your future wife needs to be on your wavelength… seems to me it would be good to find an attractive, available, pure and willing companion for your journey.
    You’d have the rest of your life to enjoy teaching her all you know right?!

    • Frank Swift November 10, 2013 at 1:00 PM #

      To me, you’re in the fortunate position of being a MAN!!!! So you’re the one with the ‘unusual’ convictions? Great, you’re also the leader of your home, so you dictate it’s direction. Wife follows.

      There’s one thing you’re forgetting, though this might make sense on paper, in reality, generally it’s the wives who convert their husbands, not the other way around. I just had an example of this by meeting a girl who is a wiccan, and got her husband to renounce his Christian beliefs.

      This pattern is so common that even the LORD warned His people not to take on wives who came from a completely different culture and belief system: “Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you.” (Deuteronomy 7)

      The Lord makes no distinction between men and women, so a man being an “alpha” of the house affords no protection from her influencing him to do evil. Even Abraham hearkened to Sarah’s voice with disastrous results, despite the Bible lauding her as an obedient wife.

      So there’s really only so much I can do on my end. I can be a provider, a leader, and so on, but she also has to make the decision to follow my lead, not simply to humor me, but because she genuinely trusts me. It has to be her choice.

    • Will S. November 10, 2013 at 1:04 PM #

      Spot on. So many men think with their ****s, that they can’t help but be thus led when their wives push them. Remember, even Adam, who was yet sinless until then, fell in that same manner – he did what his wife wanted, instead of obeying the Lord; he knew better, but still gave in.

    • Frank Swift November 10, 2013 at 3:35 PM #

      Will, yes, given the context of Scripture we’re exhorted to AVOID marrying the wrong person, not marry and then try to convert them to the faith or our way of thinking by being a manly man. Ruth is a good example of what to look for, she made a good wife because her heart was already in the right place. She was ready to follow BEFORE she got married. That’s very telling.

  11. Hannah November 10, 2013 at 8:02 AM #

    Oh and on behalf on The Watchtower Society, will you be renewing your pledged support Sir?! :)
    hehehe joking….
    .00000000000000001%%? Yikes well we are unusual then aren’t we!

  12. John May 1, 2014 at 10:40 PM #

    I kind of think the person who likes to think they are so different from everyone else, as you, Frank, describe yourself, are in a way unwililng to see another person for themselves. They are perhaps a little too focused on their own individuality and “needs” and not being open enough to a person who obviously will have differences. I think if a person meets and maybe dates enough different people, they will find they can let different types of people into their life, tolerate, if you will, differences.

    • Frank Swift May 2, 2014 at 12:40 PM #

      It’s the other way around, people are unable to understand my life walk or what makes me tick because it’s so utterly unusual and uncommon and stands in marked contrast to their propensity to conform and go with the flow. People may say they value individuality but it’s really a facade, they value conformity more because it means they don’t have to be alone. When faced with being rejected for example from a church or social circle unless you conform to their viewpoints, most people will choose to conform.

      This lack of ability to understand what makes me tick or the life I’ve led is also what breeds indifference and a lack of genuine affinity/empathy. It’s akin to someone who’s never used drugs his whole life trying to empathize with a drug addict. They may understand intellectually what an addict goes through, but unless they’ve been an addict themselves, they really don’t know or truly understand.

  13. Suzanne May 14, 2016 at 4:25 PM #

    You’re not alone on this, either. If it were totally up to me, I’d never celebrate Easter, Halloween, and Christmas because they’re all pagn holidays. Since it’s not up to “just me” and I take care of an elderly man who just adores these holidays, I have to “go along” for the sake of peace and harmony. He gets the biggest kick out of the costumes and kids. He loves watching the wrapping paper fly. Me? I smile and deal with it because I know at some point my friend will pass on, and at that point I’ll have good memories of him, and the freedom to actually practice without all the nonsensical consumerism that defines these “holidays”.

    I also find it ironic how people want to define you as a “scrooge” just because you don’t want to get tied up in their Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy delusions. Hang in there!! :)

    • Frank Swift May 14, 2016 at 5:09 PM #

      Thank you! I still like certain Christmas traditions, but I don’t get crazy about it. I try to follow the simple precept of abstaining from all appearances of evil. :)

  14. Empathic Kuaga May 14, 2016 at 8:07 PM #

    ….guess the main Q should now be, is Mr Swift still flying solo or has someone tamed that beast…it has been 3 or so years since he posted this. The anti-Halloween stance being the same wouldn’t be concerning but his status remaining like that may need us to hold some sort of vigil ha ha!

  15. an observer September 30, 2016 at 8:40 PM #

    Sounds like our view of Christmas, having dumped the symbolic tree and fertility rites years ago. Still exchange gifts and eat too much though.

  16. ava October 2, 2016 at 11:48 AM #

    hate to break it to you, but… ‘you’re born alone and you die alone’ – there will always be parts of you that you alone will have access to, you alone will be able to fathom and understand. noone will ever be able to see the world with your eyes, through your own unique perspective constructed from all different factors such as your personality and past experiences, the family and culture you were born into, your morality and convictions – that’s why in the deepest sense everyone is always alone. only when you make peace with this (nor so popular) truth will you be able to cherish other people for who they are – not because they complete you, but because their ‘alone’ fits your ‘alone’. people might agree on many things and still come to their conclusions form different angles which still breads conflict. in my opinion what truelly is important is how people think, not what they think – as an intelligent disagreement still means deeper understanding than passive agreement (as was noted by bertrand russell in his liberal’s decalogue).

    this is not pessimism, it’s realism. believing in fairy tales makes one feel better for a while, but it’s an illusion and a recipe for a big dissapontment – because no love will ever live up to that. also believing in fairy tales hurts even more when you’re single – cause you feel like the part that you’re missing out in is even bigger and better than it is in reality.

    in the deepest sense you will always be alone – that’s why it is important to become one’s own best friend – noone will ever be able to understand you as well as yourself. that might sound sad, but it also is a good thing – you can be strong no matter what the circumstances.

    • Frank Swift October 6, 2016 at 6:29 PM #

      Not everyone dies alone though. Take terrorists for example, they almost never die alone. They take a few dozen to a few hundred with them too!

  17. Ava October 13, 2016 at 7:46 AM #

    Frank, if someone commits a terrorist attack he must be brain dead in the first place, before the act. I’m sure a coroner would confirm.

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